Ever find yourself thinking, “Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep falling into the same old bad habits over and over again? What is wrong with me?”
After working with thousands of people, I’ve noticed something fascinating: what we call “bad habits” are actually sophisticated survival mechanisms running on autopilot. Your nervous system created these patterns to keep you “safe” – even when that safety comes at the cost of your growth, connection, and fulfillment.
The kicker? These patterns operate mostly beneath your conscious awareness. They’re not decisions you’re actively making, and they’re not personal flaws; they’re automatic responses your brain has perfected over time.
Let’s explore four fundamental patterns that might be keeping you stuck (and how to finally break free).
1. The Protector Pattern: “I can never fully relax. There’s always something to worry about”
I used to think constant worrying was just “being responsible.” But what’s actually happening is that our brain’s security system—which evolved to keep us safe from saber-toothed tigers—is working overtime in a world where the “threats” are usually just everyday stressors.
It’s like having a state-of-the-art home security system that goes off when a leaf blows by the window or the neighbor’s cat walks across your yard. Valuable when there’s actual danger, but exhausting when it’s blaring all the time.
How to spot this pattern:
- You find yourself worrying even when things are going well
- You have trouble being present because you’re scanning for what might go wrong
- You notice physical tension that never fully releases
- You struggle with sleep as your brain refuses to go “off duty”
The breakthrough insight:
This pattern is actually one of the quickest to shift because it’s so physical. When you give your nervous system clear signals of safety, it can begin to stand down from high alert. The key is consistency – each time you interrupt the worry cycle, you’re teaching your brain that constant vigilance isn’t necessary for survival.
I used this approach last week before an important meeting. Instead of letting myself get worked up in nerves, I took a few minutes to do some Tapping and remind my body and brain that I was actually safe in that moment. By sending calming signals to my amygdala, and reminding myself that no immediate danger was present, I felt my shoulders drop and my breathing deepen. The meeting went fine – and I didn’t waste unnecessary time spent in stress mode beforehand.
2. The Pleaser Pattern: “I’m afraid if I say what I really think or need, people won’t like me anymore”
Let’s consider Sarah, who is an incredible graphic designer. In team meetings, she would nod along when her boss suggested design changes she knew wouldn’t work. At home, she’d spend extra hours “fixing” these misguided directions while still following them enough to keep everyone happy.
Why? Because disagreeing might make her boss think she was difficult or not a team player. And somewhere deep in her brain, being seen as agreeable felt more important than standing up for her expertise.
How to spot this pattern:
- You find it nearly impossible to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed
- You feel resentment that builds up but rarely gets expressed directly
- You sense that others don’t really know the “real you”
- You constantly bite your tongue, holding back what you really think or feel
The breakthrough insight:
The Pleaser pattern is deeply rooted in your nervous system’s need for connection and safety. What’s fascinating is that most of us create an impossible equation: “either I please others OR I’ll be rejected.” But what if both your needs and others’ needs could matter? What if you could express yourself fully and stay connected with those around you? What if authenticity actually created deeper connection and meaningful, beneficial outcomes for everyone included?
Let’s return to the example above. When Sarah finally gathered the courage to diplomatically explain why certain design choices wouldn’t achieve the marketing goals, her boss was actually impressed by her expertise rather than offended. What Sarah feared would damage her relationship with her team ended up earning her more respect. The insight that changed everything for her was realizing that speaking up skillfully was actually part of the job they valued her for.
3. The Perfectionist Pattern: “If I could just do this perfectly, then I’d finally feel worthy”
Here’s a little secret that took me years to figure out: Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards—it’s about armor. It’s saying, “If I do everything perfectly, no one can criticize me, reject me, or see my fundamental flaws.”
How to spot this pattern:
- You procrastinate (because if you can’t do it perfectly, why even start?)
- You find it difficult to celebrate accomplishments before moving to the next goal
- You’re incredibly harsh with yourself in ways you would never be with others
- You experience physical symptoms of stress and anxiety, especially when facing evaluation
The breakthrough insight:
Perfectionism is a deeply ingrained protective pattern, but it responds remarkably well to a simple reframing: What if excellence doesn’t require perfection? What if your humanity—including your mistakes—is actually your strength, not your weakness?
I used this approach when working on this very blog post. Instead of writing and rewriting for days, I gave myself permission to share my insights even with their imperfections. It helped me finish this post faster than I otherwise would have —and ironically, I think it’s more authentic and helpful this way. The question that can change everything is this: “What if good enough is actually… good enough?”
4. The Procrastinator Pattern: “I’ll do it tomorrow when I’m more prepared/motivated/energetic.”
Let me share something I’ve learned the hard way: Procrastination isn’t about laziness or poor time management. It’s an emotional regulation strategy—a way to temporarily escape the uncomfortable feelings that certain tasks trigger.
How to spot this pattern:
- You start strong on projects but struggle to follow through
- You work best under last-minute pressure
- You get stuck in analysis paralysis, gathering more information rather than taking action
- You feel suddenly tired when it’s time to start important tasks
The breakthrough insight:
Breaking free from procrastination begins with a simple but powerful recognition: it’s not about the task itself—it’s about the feelings the task brings up. Once you identify exactly what makes you uncomfortable (confusion about where to start, fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed), you can address those feelings directly instead of avoiding the task (Tapping is a great tool to do just that, by the way!).
Perhaps you have a task you don’t feel confident or inspired to do – like preparing your taxes or filling out a complicated form. It’s easy to avoid it and put it off forever. But if you finally just sit down and acknowledge your specific fears—”I’m confused about where to start and afraid of making a mistake”—something shifts. The emotional charge will decrease enough that you can open the form, think clearly, and problem solve. You might not finish it all at once, but you’ll be able to figure it out with a clear and open mind.
Breaking Free: The Simple Truth About Lasting Change
What makes these patterns so challenging is that they operate largely outside conscious awareness. They’re not choices you’re actively making; they’re automatic responses your nervous system has perfected.
The key to creating lasting change is working with your nervous system, not against it.
Tapping (or Emotional Freedom Techniques – EFT) is particularly effective for this because it combines physical intervention (tapping on acupressure points) with focused awareness on the thought, belief, or emotion holding us back, effectively creating a “pattern interrupt” that allows your brain to form new neural pathways and move past long-ingrained blocks.
In The Tapping Solution App, we have specific guided sessions that help you address these patterns, allowing you to rewire these responses in just a few minutes per day. When you consistently give your nervous system new information, these old patterns naturally begin to shift.
Here are some sessions you might check out in the app:
- The Protector Pattern: Help Me Stop Overthinking
- The Pleaser Pattern: Becoming More Lovingly Assertive Sleep Programming
- The Perfectionist Pattern: I Release the Pressure to Be Perfect Quick Tap
- The Procrastinator Pattern: Motivate Me to… Category
Which of these patterns resonates most with you? Share in the comments—sometimes just naming the pattern is the first step to freedom!
Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner
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