What a Grudge Does to Your Body (Researchers Measured It)

If you're human, there's a very good chance you're holding some resentment toward another human right now.

Maybe it's a sibling, an ex, a boss, a neighbor, or the person who said that thing years ago and never once apologized. You don't have to go looking for it. It usually finds you on its own, somewhere around two in the morning or halfway through a perfectly nice shower.

Resentment has a sneaky way of feeling like justice. It feels like we're holding the other person accountable. So it's worth asking what it's actually doing to the one person who carries it everywhere: us.

The study: 71 people, one person who hurt them

Researchers at Hope College in Michigan asked 71 people (35 women and 36 men) to think about a real person who had wronged them. They did it two ways. In one, they replayed the hurt and nursed the grudge. In the other, they tried to see the person with some empathy and imagined forgiving them. The whole time, the researchers measured what was happening in their bodies.

When people nursed the grudge, four things went up compared with their starting point:

• Heart rate.
• Blood pressure.
• Skin conductance, a measure of sweat that rises when the body's stress response switches on.
• Tension in the brow, the muscle we use to frown.

They also felt worse. People reported more negative emotion during the grudge thoughts than during the forgiving ones.

And here's the part I keep thinking about. When the imagery was over and people were simply sitting and recovering, the brow tension, the sweat response and the heart rate were still elevated. Three of the four stayed up after they stopped thinking about it.

That's one short lab session with one memory. Now think about how many times a week the average grudge gets replayed.

What 10,000 Americans reported

A second study looked at this from a very different angle. It used the National Comorbidity Survey Replication, a large, nationally representative survey of 9,882 adults in the United States, and looked at people who said they tend to hold grudges.

People who held grudges were more likely to report a range of physical health problems, including:

• a history of heart attack (roughly twice the odds)
• heart disease
• high blood pressure
• stomach ulcers
• arthritis and back problems
• headaches
• chronic pain

It's important to be clear about what this kind of study can and can't tell us. A survey like this shows a link. It doesn't prove that holding grudges causes heart disease or back pain, and plenty of other things could be part of the picture. But put it next to the lab study, where you can watch heart rate and blood pressure rise in real time, and the pattern is hard to ignore.

Why resentment keeps the alarm on

In REWIRED, Jessica, Alex and I describe the body's stress response as an alarm system. It's built to go off when there's danger, do its job, and then turn off.

Resentment is a way of keeping the danger alive. Every time we replay what happened, rehearse what we should have said, or feel that familiar tightening when their name comes up, we're telling the alarm the threat is still here. And the body believes us. That's exactly what those researchers measured.

The good news is that the same system can be told something different. That's what tapping does so well: you say the true thing, the hurt and the anger and the "I don't want to let this go," while you give the body a steady signal that you're safe right now.

Try it: a short round on resentment

Think of one person you resent. Rate how strong the resentment feels right now, 0 to 10. Then tap through the points while you say the words out loud, changing them to fit.

Side of Hand (repeat three times): Even though I'm still so angry at them for what they did, I'm allowed to feel what I feel, and I choose to be kind to myself right now.

Eyebrow: All this resentment

Side of Eye: They shouldn't have done that

Under Eye: I've been carrying this for so long

Under Nose: Part of me doesn't want to let it go

Chin: Letting it go feels like letting them off the hook

Collarbone: But I'm the one feeling it

Under Arm: In my chest, in my jaw, at two in the morning

Top of Head: What if I could set a little of it down, just for today

Take a deep breath and rate it again. You don't have to forgive anybody today. Just notice what happened to the number.

What members have said

A member named Martye wrote to us after a bitter argument with her husband. She sat down with a tapping session, "really letting my anger flow. One time through and I felt completely smoothed out." When he walked in a little later, they resolved it calmly, "and we even were able to enjoy an embrace."

From people who did the Releasing Resentment session in the app:

"I didn't want to let go of the anger - I wanted to tell the person off who hurt me. After tapping, I was able to feel the sadness underneath the anger and move to learnig from the experience."
Lisa

"It was great! Saved my day from being swept away by resentment."
Nathan

Where to go from here

Ten minutes: Releasing Resentment with Jessica has been completed more than 100,000 times in our app, with an average 42% drop in self-rated intensity (app data).

Six minutes: Instant Boost of Forgiveness has been completed more than 43,000 times in our app, with an average 47% drop in self-rated intensity (app data).

A deeper walk-through: Your 3-Step Tapping Guide to Releasing Resentment.

The resentment we hold toward money: some of the quietest grudges we carry are aimed at people who have more than we do. "Rich people are greedy." "I don't like rich people." Those are two of the beliefs in our free 103 Beliefs guide, each paired with the belief you can grow into instead.

The research

Witvliet, C. v. O., Ludwig, T. E., & Vander Laan, K. L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science, 12(2), 117–123. doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00320

Messias, E., Saini, A., Sinato, P., & Welch, S. (2010). Bearing grudges and physical health: Relationship to smoking, cardiovascular health and ulcers. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 45(2), 183–187. link.springer.com