Is That Stress Even Yours? (Researchers Measured It)

Whose stuff are you carrying around today?

Your spouse's bad mood, after that phone call with his brother. Your sister's worry, after she called to vent for forty-five minutes and then said "anyway, I feel so much better." The cashier who was clearly having the worst day of her life. You walked away from each of them a little heavier, and you might not have noticed it happening.

If you feel things deeply, and if you're reading this I'd bet you do, you probably picked up something today that was never yours to begin with.

So here's my invitation: let's put it down. Today. It takes about ten minutes, and I'll show you how further down this page. It doesn't even belong to you.

If that sounds a little out there, it turns out scientists have measured it.

The study: they just watched

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig and the Technical University of Dresden put people through a classic stress test. They had to do difficult mental arithmetic and get through a tough interview, while two supposed experts in behavior sat there judging their performance. It's about as unpleasant as a lab can make an afternoon.

That part worked: 95% of the people taking the test had a significant rise in cortisol, the body's main stress hormone.

But the researchers were really interested in someone else in the room. Each test-taker had an observer who simply watched. The observers didn't do any math. Nobody judged them. They had nothing at stake at all.

And 26% of them had a significant cortisol rise anyway.

Then it got more interesting:

• When the person under stress was their partner, 40% of the observers had the stress response.
• When it was a stranger, it was 10%.
• Watching through a one-way mirror, 30% did.
• Watching on a video screen, 24% still did.

Think about those last two with the evening news in mind, or a group text, or a scroll through your phone before bed. A screen didn't stop it.

"The fact that we could actually measure this empathic stress in the form of a significant hormone release was astonishing," said Veronika Engert, the study's lead author.

Why the people we love affect us most

That 40% for partners tells you a lot. The closer someone is to us, the more our body treats their alarm as our alarm.

In REWIRED, Jessica, Alex and I describe the body's stress response as an alarm system. It's built to go off when there's danger, do its job, and then turn off. It's also built to be social. For most of human history, if the people around you were alarmed, there was probably a reason, and it paid to get alarmed too.

The trouble is that it doesn't turn off just because the other person feels better. Your sister hangs up lighter. You carry it into dinner.

That's why caring people get so tired. Their nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do, all day long, for everyone they love.

Putting it down

You don't have to stop caring. You just need a way to hand back what isn't yours.

Of everything I've tried in almost twenty years of doing this work, tapping is the fastest way I know to do it. You say the true thing ("I picked up their stress and I'm still holding it") while you give your body a steady signal that you're safe right now. The alarm gets a chance to turn off.

We have a lot of data on this one. Jessica's session on clearing what you picked up from others has been completed 265,911 times in our app. People come in at an average of 7.6 out of 10 and leave at 4.0, a 47% drop in about nine minutes (app data).

Let it go now: a short round

Don't save this for later. Think of one person whose stress you picked up recently. Notice where you feel it in your body. Rate how strong it feels right now, 0 to 10. Then tap through the points while you say the words out loud, changing them to fit.

Side of Hand (repeat three times): Even though I picked up their stress and I'm still carrying it, I love them, and I can set this down now.

Eyebrow: All this stress

Side of Eye: It isn't even mine

Under Eye: I felt it the moment they walked in

Under Nose: I care about them so much

Chin: So I took some of it on

Collarbone: And I've been carrying it ever since

Under Arm: I can care about them and still put this down

Top of Head: I'm handing it back with love

Take a deep breath and rate it again. Did the number move? Do another round with whatever's still there, in your own words. You can be there for them tomorrow. You'll probably be better at it.

What members have said

From people who did the session in the app:

"I need to learn how to not take on other peoples 'soup'!!"
Rebecca

"My sweetheart is prone to fears about her physical health, and I take those anxious feelings into myself. This tapping session is perfectly suited for finding my center again."
David

"This is helping me get through spending a few days with an intense family member. Thank you so much!"
Keisha

"I need to keep in mind ' I can't fix everything '. This tapping meditation worked really well quickly today."
Susan

One more time, my friend

If you read this far and skipped the tapping, go back up and do one round. Or press play on the session below and let Jessica walk you through it. Whatever you picked up this week, you've carried it long enough. It was never yours to keep.

Where to go from here

Nine minutes, free: Jessica's session on clearing what you picked up from others has been completed 265,911 times in our app, with an average 47% drop in self-rated intensity (app data).

Eight minutes: Release Overwhelm, for when everyone's stuff has landed on you at once. It has been completed 148,123 times in our app, with an average 39% drop in self-rated intensity (app data).

The bigger picture: REWIRED, our book on how the body's alarm system works and how to help it turn off.

The research

Engert, V., Plessow, F., Miller, R., Kirschbaum, C., & Singer, T. (2014). Cortisol increase in empathic stress is modulated by emotional closeness and observation modality. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 45, 192–201. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24845190

Max Planck Society. (2014). Your stress is my stress. mpg.de/research/stress-empathy