Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness: A Tapping Approach to Releasing Old Pain

I recently received this powerful message that I just knew I had to share with you:

“Tapping for forgiveness helped me release my childhood loss by accepting what was & forgiving the person involved, knowing they did the best they could at the time. Since I’ve let go & learned how to forgive, I helped a friend, who was dying, learn to forgive himself for his past before he died.” – Mary

Mary, thank you for sharing this profound story of transformation. What strikes me most is not just that you were able to heal from your own childhood loss, but that your healing journey empowered you to help someone else during one of life’s most vulnerable moments. That kind of full-circle healing is the deepest expression of what Tapping can make possible.

Your story touches on something I’ve witnessed countless times: forgiveness isn’t just about releasing others from our judgment—it’s about freeing ourselves from the weight of carrying pain, anger, and resentment. And as you discovered, this freedom often ripples outward, allowing us to become instruments of healing for others.

The Hidden Weight of Not Forgiving

When we experience profound loss, especially in childhood, our nervous systems often get stuck in protective patterns. These patterns may have served us well at the time—they helped us survive overwhelming emotions when we didn’t have the resources to process them fully. But as adults, these same protective patterns can keep us locked in a state of tension, hypervigilance, and disconnection.

Holding on and not forgiving is one of these protective patterns. It’s like a shield our nervous system holds up, believing it will prevent further hurt. But shields are heavy to carry, and over time, that weight becomes exhausting.

Research on forgiveness from institutions like Johns Hopkins, Mayo Clinic, and Harvard Medical School consistently shows that people who struggle with forgiveness have measurably higher stress hormones, elevated blood pressure, and increased heart rate—their bodies are literally working harder just to maintain that state of unforgiveness. This chronic physiological stress affects everything from sleep quality to immune function to our ability to be present in relationships.

But here’s where your story becomes so powerful, Mary. You discovered what happens when that shield is finally lowered. The energy that once went into maintaining unforgiveness becomes available for healing, connection, and even extending compassion to others.

Understanding What Forgiveness Really Is (And Isn’t)

Before diving into the “how” of Tapping for forgiveness, I think it’s important to clarify what forgiveness actually means, because there are so many misconceptions that can block our path to release.

Forgiveness does NOT mean:

• That what happened was okay
• That you’re forgetting what happened
• That you need to reconcile with the person who hurt you
• That you’re giving anyone permission to hurt you again
• That you’re saying the loss didn’t matter

What forgiveness DOES mean:

• You’re choosing to release the emotional grip the event has on you
• You’re allowing your nervous system to shift out of its protective stress response
• You’re freeing yourself from continuing to relive the pain
• You’re reclaiming your energy for your present life and future possibilities
• You’re acknowledging, as Mary did, the human reality that most people do the best they can with the awareness and resources they have at the time

This distinction is crucial because often what blocks forgiveness is the misunderstanding that forgiveness somehow diminishes our experience or makes it less valid. The truth is exactly the opposite—forgiveness honors the significance of what happened while creating space for healing.

The Nervous System Roots of Forgiveness Resistance

When we talk about forgiveness, we’re not just dealing with thoughts or moral positions—we’re dealing with deeply embodied nervous system patterns. This is why forgiveness can feel so physically difficult, even when intellectually we understand its benefits.

After loss or betrayal, especially in childhood, our bodies often get locked in a stress response. This isn’t a character flaw or weakness—it’s a biological protection mechanism. Your nervous system is simply trying to keep you safe by remaining vigilant against similar threats in the future.

Tapping works directly with this nervous system patterning. By stimulating acupressure points while focusing on emotional content, we’re essentially sending calming signals to the brain’s alarm centers, particularly the amygdala. This allows the nervous system to shift from a state of threat to a state of safety, creating the physiological conditions where forgiveness becomes possible.

Research has shown that during Tapping, we see measurable decreases in cortisol (the stress hormone) along with shifts in brain activity from regions associated with fear and hypervigilance to regions associated with calm assessment and perspective-taking. This neurobiological shift is often what allows us to finally see situations and people (including ourselves) through a lens of compassion rather than threat.

So when Mary talks about “accepting what was and forgiving the person involved,” she’s describing not just a conceptual change but a profound nervous system shift that allowed her to hold her childhood loss in a completely different way.

Tapping for Forgiveness: A Multi-Layer Approach

Let’s explore how to use Tapping to support the forgiveness process. I’ve found that forgiveness work tends to unfold in layers, and Tapping can help us gently navigate each one.

Layer 1: Honoring the Pain

Before we can authentically forgive, we need to fully acknowledge what happened and how it affected us. Trying to bypass this step often leads to a sort of “forgiveness bypassing”—a surface-level attempt at forgiveness that doesn’t actually process the underlying pain.

Here’s a Tapping sequence to begin with:

Layer 2: Releasing Resistance to Forgiveness

Often we have conscious or unconscious reasons for holding onto unforgiveness. These might include:

• Fear that forgiveness means we’re condoning what happened
• Concern that forgiveness makes us vulnerable to being hurt again
• Belief that our anger is protecting us
• Worry that forgiveness means forgetting
• Feeling that the person doesn’t “deserve” forgiveness

Let’s tap on these common forms of resistance:

Layer 3: Seeing the Bigger Picture

This layer reflects Mary’s insight about “knowing they did the best they could at the time.” This perspective shift is profound and often comes after we’ve processed our own pain sufficiently. It’s not about excusing harmful behavior, but about seeing the fuller human context.

Layer 4: Self-Forgiveness

Mary’s story touched on helping her dying friend forgive himself, which reflects an often-overlooked dimension of forgiveness work—extending that same compassion to ourselves. Whether we’re forgiving ourselves for actions we regret or for how we responded to our own pain, self-forgiveness is often the final piece of the puzzle.

The Profound Ripple Effects of Forgiveness

What’s particularly beautiful about Mary’s story is how her personal healing journey created a foundation for helping someone else at a critical moment. This speaks to something I’ve witnessed repeatedly: when we do our own deep healing work, we naturally become agents of healing for others.

From a physiological perspective, this makes perfect sense. Research on “co-regulation” shows that our nervous systems are constantly influencing each other. When we’ve done the work to regulate our own nervous system—to process our pain and come to a place of genuine peace—we can actually help another person’s nervous system regulate through our presence.

I can only imagine what a gift Mary’s regulated, forgiving presence was to her dying friend who was struggling with self-forgiveness. She didn’t just offer words of advice; she offered the embodied reality of what forgiveness looks and feels like. That kind of authentic transmission is infinitely more powerful than any intellectual understanding of forgiveness.

Small Steps Toward Forgiveness

If you’re inspired by Mary’s story but feeling like your own forgiveness journey might be challenging, here are some smaller steps you might consider:

1. Start with something smaller

If you have a major loss or hurt that feels too overwhelming to approach directly, begin practicing forgiveness with smaller incidents—whether it’s forgiving yourself for a mistake, forgiving someone for a minor infraction, or forgiving a situation that didn’t go as planned. This builds your “forgiveness muscles” for the bigger work.

2. Write a letter you don’t send

Sometimes expressing all your unfiltered feelings in a letter (that you don’t actually send) can be a powerful preliminary step toward forgiveness. You can always use those words to help inform your Tapping later on.

3. Use visualization

Imagine yourself setting down a heavy backpack that represents the weight of unforgiveness. Really feel the physical relief of that weight being lifted.

4. Create a forgiveness ritual

Some people find it helpful to create a simple ritual that symbolizes release—like writing what they’re forgiving on a piece of paper and then safely burning it.

5. Tap preventively

When you notice yourself getting triggered around old hurts, tap immediately to help your nervous system stay regulated instead of falling back into old patterns.

Remember, forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. It’s more often a process that unfolds over time, in layers. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey.

From Personal Healing to Collective Healing

When we do our own forgiveness work, we create ripples that affect everyone around us.

Imagine what our world might look like if more people did the deep work of processing their pain and coming to forgiveness. How might our families change? Our communities? Our larger social systems?

This isn’t just idealistic thinking. Our individual nervous systems affect the collective nervous system of our communities. When we heal ourselves, we contribute to healing the whole.

This doesn’t mean forgiveness is easy or that it happens overnight. But it does mean that each step you take on your own forgiveness journey—each layer you process through tapping—is not just for your benefit. It’s a gift to everyone whose life touches yours.

Mary experienced this gift directly in being able to support her dying friend. But I suspect there were countless other moments where her forgiveness journey allowed her to show up differently—with more presence, compassion, and peace—for the people in her life.

A Final Thought: Forgiveness as Freedom

As I reflect on Mary’s powerful story, I’m reminded that at its core, forgiveness is about freedom. It’s about freeing ourselves from being perpetually chained to past events. It’s about freeing our nervous systems from the exhausting work of maintaining a threat response. It’s about freeing our energy for what matters most to us now.

The beauty of Tapping is that it helps create the conditions where this freedom becomes possible. By working directly with the nervous system, Tapping helps us process emotions at their source, release protection patterns that no longer serve us, and create new neural pathways that support our well-being.

If you’re somewhere on your own forgiveness journey—whether just beginning or well along the path—I hope Mary’s story inspires you to continue. The freedom waiting on the other side is worth every step.

Resources for Your Forgiveness Journey

• The Tapping Solution App – Our App offers numerous meditations specifically centered on forgiveness. Additionally, it includes sessions designed to address the other emotions often associated with forgiveness:
  • Instant Boost of Forgiveness – This short meditation is designed to quickly release the grip that resentment and anger may have on you. We’ll start with some brief statements about how you may be feeling, and then jump right into the positive affirmations to give you that instant boost you’re looking for.
  • Micro Boost of Forgiveness – Open up to forgiveness and the relief and freedom it can provide with this super quick Tapping meditation. By honoring our experiences and feelings we are empowered to forgive and move forward with open hearts and minds.
  • Intimate Relationship Support: Opening Up To Forgiveness – Whether you feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, or overwhelmed, this session is designed to help you honor your emotions as you open up to forgiveness.
  • When Holding Onto Upset: Forgiveness Quick Tap – This 2 min long session may be short, but it’s impactful! Though it’s designed for kids 8-12, both kids and adults find it to be really helpful!
  • 6 Day Inner Peace and Power Series – This 6 Day series, guided by Iyanla Vanzant, connects with the deeper aspects of the forgiveness journey. By affirming that you are Truth, Trust, Power, Love, Joy, and Peace you can bring greater perspective and empowerment to your journey.
• Find a Certified EFT Practitioner – For personalized support with complex forgiveness work.
• Interview with Wayne Dyer – This is an interview I did many years ago with the incredible Wayne Dyer, where he shares how forgiveness changed his life. This is a MUST WATCH, I’m telling you!

Note: You can access these Tapping Solution App meditations by clicking the links above on your mobile device, or by typing the meditation name into the app’s search function.

Has Tapping helped you with forgiveness? What did you find most challenging about the forgiveness process? Share your experiences in the comments below—your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear to take their next step on their forgiveness journey.

Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner