The Truth About Forgiveness
Here's what most people get wrong about forgiveness: they think it means saying what happened was okay. It doesn't. Forgiveness isn't about the other person—it's about you. It's the decision to stop carrying the weight of someone else's actions in your body and mind.
When someone hurts you, your nervous system stores that pain. It keeps running the old movie—replaying the hurt, rehearsing what you should have said, feeling the anger rise again and again. Your brain thinks it's protecting you by staying vigilant. But all that vigilance does is keep you stuck in the past.
The strange truth about unforgiveness is that it punishes you more than the person who hurt you. They may have moved on completely while you're still replaying the wound. As the saying goes: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Why Forgiveness Is Both a Choice and a Process
Forgiveness isn't a one-time decision—it's a process your nervous system needs to go through. You can intellectually decide to forgive, but if your body is still holding the pain, it hasn't released. That's why simply deciding to "let it go" often doesn't work. Tapping helps because it works at the nervous system level. While you focus on the hurt, the anger, the betrayal—tapping sends calming signals to your amygdala. This allows your body to release what your mind alone couldn't. Many people find that compassion naturally arises when the defensive charge settles down. And here's a powerful reframe that helps many people: hurt people hurt people. The person who hurt you was likely operating from their own pain, their own wounds, their own limitations. Understanding this isn't excusing—it's seeing clearly. It's recognizing that their actions say more about them than about you.
Real Results of Letting Go
Abhaya
"Thank you for the amazing forgiveness Tapping meditation. I feel so much lighter, and it helps in releasing the pain of letting go of someone I love, but no longer have in my life. At times I feel hopeless, stuck and don't know what to do—and this makes me feel better. May you continue spreading light through your wonderful work."
Abhaya's story touches on something many people experience: needing to forgive someone you still love. The end of a relationship—through breakup, death, or estrangement—often leaves us holding both love and hurt at the same time. Tapping can help you honor both without being trapped by either.
This is one of the best treatments I've heard about forgiveness. If you ever write a book on the subject, I'll be one of your first customers.
Linda
Natalie
"A conversation with my husband—his blaming me for his uncomfortable feelings—and I was carrying around the anger and hurt all evening and morning... until I used this Tapping meditation. The general language, the forgiveness PROCESS, the gentle, self-care, guided imagery resonated swiftly with me. I feel so blessed to have the Tapping app. I feel eons lighter."
What I love about Natalie's story is how she mentions the "forgiveness PROCESS"—emphasizing that it's not about instant amnesia but about moving through the emotions in a healthy way. She didn't have to pretend her husband's words didn't hurt. She just didn't have to carry that hurt in her body anymore.
What Forgiveness Doesn't Mean
Many people resist forgiveness because they misunderstand what it requires. Let's be clear about what forgiveness is NOT:
- It's not reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life. Boundaries and forgiveness can coexist.
- It's not forgetting. You can remember what happened, learn from it, and still release the emotional charge.
- It's not saying it was okay. Some things are not okay. Forgiveness doesn't change that—it just means you're choosing not to let it poison you anymore.
- It's not weakness. It takes tremendous strength to let go of righteous anger. Holding on is often the easier path.
- It's not a one-time event. You might need to forgive the same person multiple times as new layers of hurt surface. That's normal.
Nan
"I am thankful you stated that forgiveness involves compassion. 'Hurting people hurt people.' And recognizing I have grown from this experience. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation of the two parties. It just opens the door to that possibility."
Forgiving Yourself
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The things you said. The choices you made. The ways you hurt others. The person you used to be. Many people carry more shame about their own actions than anger about others'.
The same principles apply: you can acknowledge that what you did was wrong without carrying eternal punishment. You can feel genuine remorse without being defined by your worst moments. And here's the same reframe: when you hurt others, you were likely hurting yourself. Hurt people hurt people—including when you're the one who was hurting.
Maya
"I used this for self-forgiveness. I changed the words so they referred to me, because I wanted to forgive myself for the way I behaved. Loved 'hurt people hurt people'—such an eyeopener."
I was able to feel a shift in my level of stress over my betrayal trauma. I'm feeling more at peace.
Bella
Rhiannon
"This has really helped me to release the pain, hurt and anger that has kept me awake so much this week. I feel so much lighter and freer now. Thank you."
Rhiannon's mention of sleep is telling. Unforgiveness doesn't just affect your waking hours—it follows you to bed, keeps your mind spinning, disrupts your rest. When you release the pain, your whole system can finally relax.
Sue
"Loved it! Helps me to have more compassion for the other person and see that they are hurting too. I also like taking the lessons out of the hurtful experience."
Sue went from a 10—intense, consuming pain—down to a 7 by finding compassion. That's the magic of the "hurt people hurt people" reframe. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps you understand it. And understanding creates space for release.
Ready to Open Up to Forgiveness?
Try this session—not to excuse what happened, but to free yourself from carrying it.