Who you spend time with… is who you become.
I first heard this quote and concept over 15 years ago at a Tony Robbins weekend event.
I was there by myself, having seen an advertisement for it while walking the streets of New York where I lived, and knowing I needed to do something different with my life.
Amongst many insights that weekend, “Who you spend time with is who you become” was powerful for me, but I also found it difficult to implement.
You might have heard this quote, or similar concepts, including research showing that your income often has a direct correlation with your five closest friends.
So what’s going on here? And how do we manage choices and decisions about what to do when we have an awareness of this concept?
Here are some of the challenges and solutions as I see them:
1. Maybe the people around you are not the best influence, but you love them, and you’re a good friend, so what do you do?
2. What about family? Does this idea tell you to leave family members who aren’t a positive influence in the dust, because they’re not helping you?
3. Where do you find new friends and positive influence anyway? Is there a special club or secret meeting place? 🙂
Ok, so let’s address the different questions:
I fully believe in this concept, but I think the key is to address and implement it with moderation and compassion. Too often we learn something like this and see it as a black or white issue. This person is negative, so I’m not talking to them anymore! That friend has really poor beliefs about money, so I’m out!
And the challenge with going all out on it is that often these same people, the ones closest to you, the ones you love, are exactly the ones who can help you grow the most!
For example, let’s say you have a friend who has really negative beliefs about money. You’re trying to change your experience with money, rewrite old limiting beliefs and stuck patterns, (like we’re doing in my 7-week financial program right now – we’re on week 2, but you can still join and catch up, listen later, etc. if you’re interested go here) but whenever you’re around this person, they’re negative, they doubt what you’re doing and it brings you down.
What to do? I think it’s a multi-step approach:
Step 1: TAP on how that person makes you feel.
If they’re really pushing your buttons, it means there are buttons to be pushed! It means some part of you isn’t fully aligned or confident about your new beliefs or ideas. So them triggering you is a perfect opportunity to tap down that fear, stress and anxiety.
A simple way to tap, shortly after a negative experience, is to simply imagine it happening in your mind’s eye again. Hear what they see, feel what you felt, be there, tuned in to your body, and acknowledge what it’s triggering inside you. Keep tapping until you can run the “movie” without emotional attachment. You might even find that the movie changes as you tap along and gain confidence about your beliefs.
Step 2: Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.
You’ll often find that after doing the tapping, when you encounter that person or a similar circumstance again, things change! We often have these preconceived notions of how people are going to act, what they’re going to say, and that can guide the conversation in seen and unseen ways. Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.
Step 3: If you’re still being triggered, consider some space from them.
If you’re doing the tapping, but these individuals are still triggering you too much, still bringing you down, then perhaps it is time to consider some space from them. But here’s the KEY: I want you to make that consideration from a place of clarity, of peace, of compassion…not from a place of fear, of “I have to run away from this person”. Making the choice from a place of peace and clarity will make all the difference in your outcome.
I had an interesting tapping session the other day, as part of working on my next book focused on pain relief, with a lady who had some neck pain that just wouldn’t go away. She had actually used tapping to completely eliminate back pain she had had for years, but the neck pain wouldn’t seem to go.
After drilling down with some power questions: “If there was an emotion in your neck, what would it be? If someone was in your neck, who would it be?” She shared some of the challenges she’s having with her 89 year old father.
She’s his primary caretaker, and they live together, and she shared that whenever she tried to tell him about all the great, new and exciting things happening in her life, he was constantly doubting her, questioning what she was doing, and making her feel terrible.
So what to do here? Kick Dad out on the street because he’s not being positive enough? 🙂 Of course not. So we tapped! Focusing on the things he said to her, I had her imagine what he would say, and say it out loud, simply tapping through the points, using his tone of voice, using his exact language, and tuning in to how it made her feel.
Point by point, statement by statement, she released all the stress, anxiety, sadness and anger that his statements caused her. As often happens, after the first layer, we found some deeper pain, some real sadness about the relationship and how he was making her feel.
After 10-15 minutes of tapping, she shared how much lighter she felt and how she could now imagine him saying those things, without the same response from her. In fact, she started connecting with the love she felt for him, and you could see a real possibility of the relationship improving just from this small tapping session.
And… the reason we started tapping in the first place, her neck pain, was COMPLETELY gone. Down to a zero, no pain, no restricted motion!
So what does this mean for you?
It means these relationships, this pain, this anger, sadness, betrayal, fear, is a wonderful opportunity for healing. There are absolutely times when people and relationships are simply too toxic and we need to move away from them. There are absolutely times when we need to be aware of who we spend time with, to avoid burning ourselves out, to have boundaries, to make clear decisions about ourselves and our energy.
But what I’m suggesting is that you do the tapping FIRST, clear the hurt, the anger, the sadness, and then, from that place of forgiveness, compassion, clarity and more, from THERE, you make the best decision for yourself.
A. Weekend Getaways Change Lives!
Just like that weekend 15 years ago where I surrounded myself with positive people, made new friends and made new decisions about my life, I’ve found that weekend events, when you change your environment for a weekend, get a new perspective, learn new information and more, can be dramatically powerful.
I just spent this past weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and saw it all happen again, not only for the 3,000 people in the audience, but for myself! The Hay House “I Can Do It!” events aren’t just great for me when I’m on stage and connecting with YOU, they also nurture and feed my soul when I get to connect with other speakers and friends.
Having dinner at the recent Hay House “I Can Do It” event with friends Cheryl Richardson, John Holland, Kris Carr and Gabby Bernstein.
Surrounded by grumpy people who don’t believe in you and your dreams? Besides doing everything else we’ve talked about, make some new friends on your iPod.
Yes, it’s not the same kind of friendship and relationship, but getting positive, uplifting information can be truly life-changing. I know it has been for me. Besides tapping, I credit my iPod as perhaps the most transformative tool for me, because of the hours, days, weeks, months and years spent listening to positive information.
And hey, I started listening to Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Louise Hay and others on my iPod YEARS before they became my actual, real, huggable physical friends. So who knows what can happen! 🙂
C. Give Books as Gifts:
It’s hard to “convince” your friends about your new ideas, and you’re certainly not going to CHANGE them, all by yourself. But you can NUDGE them in the right direction, and books can be a great way to do that.
If you’re looking to lose a few pounds this Spring, and want a friend to support you, pick up a copy of Jessica’s book (The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence) for them and read it together. Start a small book club and find people who will support you in your journey.
I hope you found these thoughts and tips helpful.
Until next time…
Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner
Copyright © 2024 The Tapping Solution, LLC
Hi Nick,
I agree that doing some weekend activities out of your comfort zone work… I recently did a Harv Eker workshop and it has reinforced my belief in my own life.
Thankyou for sharing such wonderful info on tapping.
I intend to use all.
God Bless
It is absolutely true that sadness, anger are indeed a blessing because today they have helped me to be healed. I had a problem of abuse from people I grew up to know and who are instrumental for separating me from my native land of America to Nigeria since, when I was 3yr. With the above two factors couple with meeting friends that emanate’s from the invitation by another friend to join linkedin, as we speak today I’m fill with confidence of going home to my parents and businesses lord’ willing by simply releasing those anger and sadness
That is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you all the best! 🙂
Thank you a lot Nick! as all these Tapping solutions are bringing positive change in my life! you are doing a great job.
Thank u so much for these powerful solutions, some of us no these things but never take them serious, how powerful,Tapping is amazing hope my travelling dream comes true
This is a well written and well thought out article because it gives solutions to this dilemma in recognizing how delicate the issue of possibly cutting ties is – but it also gives you a chance to see if in fact, it’s necessary. From a place of peace.
Thank you very much Nick. As usual, great comments and ideas. Now, let’s put them in practice!
The old saying is true. I’ve gotten away from everybody that brought negative and only used me out of my life. I call them negative energy sucking people. I just gave to tap with dealing with my husband who left me when I got lung cancer and was on chemo and when I needed him the most and for 2 married women. He’s now back since I’m in remission. No weekend or day get aways as mom is bedridden and I’m disabled and sole care giver. It takes all I have. I’m on disability so I can’t go work and make money to get me out of 20,000.00 debt. Big stresser! Your information has been very helpful! Wish I could afford the book. Ibtap, I’ve taken notes and will continue to help myself. I know I need the whole book to understand and achieve this but lack of money is what it is. I’m so sorry. Congrats on getting out of your financial situation and doing great now. So proud of you. Thanks for time and support and information you have sent me. The v tree is great for understanding.
Debbye Creekmore-Hutchison
i really like this article gives you some hint totake contrôle of your life
Thanks Nick, its really insightful. lets me try it out
Thank you again! It is so much fun to look at the amazing changes in my life since I found tapping and the great teachers you surround yourself with.
Thank you for your wisdom and ability to teach and relate to others. Even though my father is dead, I feel I can do some tapping and deal with some negativity and hurt feelings that were left when he died. I have learned much from you and Jessica. You are one of the big positive changes in my life.
Thank you Nick! This particular concept is one my wife and I are fully aware of, and the challenges I see with implementing it in our lives seemed difficult. I appreciate your approach and will begin tapping and applying these techniques immediately. Keep the awesome info going! Maybe we will see you soon at a weekend getaway!
HI Nick,
thank you again for reminding me of all the good stuff you can find out when your family and close friends may not always give you what you need but rather through them you learn and grow if open to new ways of seeing, Dr. Wayne made mention in one of his audios, to see through your eyes instead of with them and its amazing how your life gets transformed with positivity!!
many thank yous, your messages always come at the right time,
Janice
Nick…
I am very thankful that I have pulled you into my universe! You are one of the new people in my life, even though it is through listening and reading your words of encouragement! Thank you for being part of the pivotal changes in my life!
Thank you Nick, This is a question I have often faced with a few people in my life but one in particular. A sibling who just can not seem to pull herself out of the rut she has been in for at least 15 years. She deals with everything as if it is all about her. Even the attacks in France were about her (she lives in Sydney) with her words “I wish this hadn’t happened today I was already feeling crap and that just added to it”!
I will be sure to start tapping when ever I am speaking with her, if she starts up (almost every day). I haven’t felt I could pull away as she has very little support in life and a history of suicidal thoughts. I look forward to the changes within myself to help me deal with her.
Hi! Funny but throughout my life I’ve had these similar things happen and even before the Tapping Solution, I found ways to get through and around these events somehow to help me move on! Now I have an additional method to help me in various circumstances. Amazing what tapping does per that article from the woman with loads of neck pain. When I followed Jessica’s tapping on the side of the hand (chopper), and other places, I couldn’t remember what to say or ask in those moments but apparently as I concentrated on the problem or issue, it seemed to disappear and I haven’t had any recurrences! That’s amazing. Thanks so much for your sharing, and putting yourself in our place to help us through all these mental, physical, and other levels. When I first viewed your video on tapping, I felt like a close friend was talking to me. This is the best, thanks much Nick and Jessica.
What a great article Nick! Thanks for sharing the story of the woman who managed to heal her relationship with her father and erase her pain on the spot after tapping! Truly inspiring. We need to keep on growing and including more tapping in our lives when we feel something is not working the way it should. Love the pics in Fort Lauderdale! Best, Nené
The information was very insightful and fit for real life. Our situations cannot be judged heartlessly, without considering the other people in our lives. I struggle with the same problem for years. We cannot cut the relationship with our parents but they can be a very challenging relationship. Thanks for the practical example and advice. And yes, life is not black and white, clear as a weekend seminar advice. I wish we would have tapping seminars here, in the Chicago area. We have the Silva-seminars in my home town Hoffman Estates in Illinois. We just had Mira Kelley here last weekend. I bet there would be audience for a tapping event. And on the long run a tapping club with regular meeting times would be a good bridge between events. Our Silva method club is slowly vanishing. I just realized that American Theozophical Society is in Wheaton IL. It could be a perfect meeting place for a tapping club. Looking forward to tapping events in my area and thank you for the great work to bring back tapping to be a mainstream self-improvement tool again.
Thank you, Nick.
I’d rather work on myself, with prayer, meditation, tapping & mindfulness, to create change within myself, rather than turn my back on negative people I love, even though they can bring me down. I’m working on changing my reactions to them & healing our relationships.
By the Grace of God, wrt friends, I have much treasured & special close friendships that lift me up – Alleluia! It’s a true blessing to have them in my life.
I have learned a lot of how I can come out of problems, troubles without hurting my self. Not that all the people around us are good or bad, but it is us to make them the way we wish. Thank you so much.
Vivian Anagbonu, Ghana, Tema
Am happy I read the fantastic comments on the Tapping Solution on whom you spend time with. The suggestions made me decide immediately which friends to hang out with and those to gradually withdraw from.
Thank so much.
This is an amazing concept to a new era..I love it great job.
Thanks. I have a very negative husband who nearly drives me crazy with all his negativity. I do love him inspite of that but have often considered leaving him because he is so toxic for me. Now I realize that we can both profit if I am even more positive. I keep hoping to help him realize that being more positive would be to his advantage, but have almost given up hope. Now I realize that there is still a chance. Thanks Nick
Perfect timing! I had a situation last night that triggered old patterns and unwanted feelings. I thought that I had cleared all this before! Ha…there was still another level of pain, frustration, victimization to deal with. Thanks for your insights!
Thank you Nick! A few, not just one, aha moments reading this. Couldn’t have come at a better time. Cheers!
Nick,
Thank you so much for the very positive points on how to distance ourselves when needed without being cruel or unkind. I will definitely put them into practice. I took your 7-week course on tapping and enjoyed it hughly! I am getting ready now to review and enhance my learning in the field of tapping. This is where I really needed your thoughts on choosing better relationships. I struggled to get through the first round of the 7-week course because I “continued” to allow other activities, time consuming phone calls, and total distraction to interfere with my “class” time. I will not do that this round! I am setting aside my 2 hours per day for studying the issues I am currently interested in and will simply post that I am not available during those 2 hours. Also, another 2 hours for my reading activities; same procedure. I am an older woman with what I consider a very healthy outlook on receiving the blessing of aging; most of my friends are very negative about getting older and it is really stressful to me to listen to such comments; so, I try not to. I have advised all of them, with love and respect, that the “O” word is not in my vocabulary and I do not participate in negative conversations concerning this subject. Life is a beautiful and glorious blessing! I begin each day thanking my Heavenly Father for the beautiful world He has given us to enjoy; each and every season with all of the special beauty for that time of year. And, my gratitude continues throughout the day! I have been blessed to be a caregiver for many people and it has blessed my life! I continue to serve others at every opportunity. I retired from a lifetime of many years of various and awesome working arenas; all of which contributed to my outlook on life today. I continue to read – alot – take online courses in anything I find of interest, worthwhile, and uplifting. Many say to me, “you have spent a lifetime working. Why don’t you take it easy now and just relax?” Well, I do – I spent one day this week in the forest with my son and grandson helping them load the wood they had chopped to provide me heat for the winter! It was work – but more than that it was beautiful in the forest, the work felt good, and the time with my son and grandson can not be measured in monetary value. Then, cooking and providing them with good meals during these few days was an added blessing! Ok, Nick, for years the thought of writing a book on the positive aspects of aging have circled in my head and now is the time to begin! Thank you for giving me the courage to begin the journey to remove the time consuming events, calls, and friends in my life that do not contribute to my desire for a healthier outlook on these wonderful years! I will be tapping – ALOT – and I will not be unkind or eliminate any of my beloved friends or family, but I will find the way to healthier relationships on all levels. Tapping – Tapping – Tapping!!! Thank you!
I loved the answers to the questions! For years, I was telling my Spiritual Director that my relationships were unequal: meaning I was there for them, but not vice versa, and they could be quite negative, although I have to admit that I, too, used to be negative. In time, I left people who fit in that category, not in any bad way, but I just moved on. And I don’t have to be so negative anymore. What a wonderful thing. I thank you a million for sending me this email, Nick. This is the 8th week and I missed having you and Jessica send out a new lesson for me. Tapping is a great gift.
incidentally, I landed in a hospital 35 miles from home on July 3rd and remained there until the 5th. It was only my 4th time to be in a hospital. It turns out I have a blood clot in the calf of my left leg. I would never have known it was there except my left ankle had an arthritic “explosion” that was terribly painful. I took that as a gift because I wouldn’t have known about the clot. And I am trusting that Tapping will help the pills to get rid of the clot!
Many blessings on you and Jessica and your team for all the good you are accomplishing in your work. I am sooo happy to have signed up for the 7 weeks and can hardly wait for you to do that again. Do you ever come to Chicago? We could use you here. I am eternally grateful to you all.
Annamarie Kane
Nick, It’s also true that when you are able to follow your passion…whatever it is…be it self-improvement or whatever…you will find yourself surrounded by like-minded people who offer a great deal of support and encouragement…when you discover your passion and begin spending your time on it, —a hobby, a sport, an interest say in history or art, deep-sea diving, volunteering to help migrants or orphans……..you won’t have time for other people the way you did before…and they may resent you for it…then you have to sort out those people with whom you have a deeper connection and you want to keep that connection….from those who were somewhat superficial friends to begin with….developing purpose in life clarifies many things…
thank you for the reminder…. indeed, look around you…you are who you keep company with…
Nick,this article came at the perfect time for me.
I have been asking myself the first 2 questions a lot lately, I discovered that as I’m growing and changing my perspectives have also changed . I am a loyal friend and family member,but as I have been reflecting, I have learned that not all of the people in my life have been a good influence or supportive of me. I believe this has been a great wake up call for me and for my healing.I have been tapping and releasing the anxiety triggers as they arise. I also have been distancing myself from
some of them.. The result is that I have made some new friends whom I truly admire, Spending the with them has made me feel joyful and supported.
Thank you for being so compassionate and aware,and sharing your insight.
Thanks so much for sharing this article Nick – it is such a pertinent subject for anyone embarked on the journey of self-improvement, or/seeking a better life and to add more to the world, starting in one’s own backyard.
I have often pondered these very issues myself and your solutions address the problems very effectively, neatly and simply. I am on my own journey of self-discovery and improvement, in the process of learning how to market online. The organisation I am with is very supportive and encourages you to surround yourself with people who understand what you are doing, so you become more successful and a ‘bigger person’ in every way. Your advice for dealing with family and other people you love but want to remain in your life is very helpful and much more gentle than simply distancing yourself from them. (as tempting as this may be at times)!
I will be referring back to your advice and using the tapping to help deal with situations as they arise. That’s an exciting prospect and a whole lot better than the old ways of ‘dealing’ with the problem!
I am using the tapping meditations you sent for releasing stress morning and night and had this great idea of following them with tapping in some of Louise Hay’s affirming statements. It seems to be working a treat! Wonderful! 😉 Thanks again
If you become like the person you hang out with, what determins which person becomes like the other? Could it be that the negative person could benefit as easily from the positive one?
When I first heard this quote from Tony Robbins I had mixed feelings. Although I understood the concept, I could not accept it. I did not like the idea of keeping a distance from friends and family members just because they are negative or have some limiting beliefs.
Nick, your approach is so much more closer to what I believe life is all about.
You have turned around the concept and infused it with some moderation and compassion.
Thank you for sharing it.
Good ideas! I like how you made this reasonable rather than absolute.
This quote has always left me scratching my head! I don’t believe all quotes are set in stone.
I am a minister and surrounded by people who are not in a good frame of mind. And I am their friend.
I know what will happen if I dwell on their negative attributes, I will take on their attitudes. “Because thoughts held in mind produce after their kind.”
So, what I do is pray for them while I see them as positive people.
It is sometimes hard to know the effects of prayer on people, but it guards my mind!
What is also true for me is that even ‘negative’ people have good characteristics.
I have seen people ‘in the gutter’ express compassion and humility. Now there I have something to learn!!
Also, ‘these negative people’, are our brothers and sisters in spirit, they are an aspect of ourselves. So before we distance ourselves too far, I like to question ‘what am I learning here.?’
And there are times when I am tired, that I take time out, and recharge myself.
Thank you Nick and Jessica for your wonderful work!!
I adore both of you!! <3
This quote has always left me scratching my head! I don’t believe all quotes are set in stone.
I am a minister and surrounded by people who are not in a good frame of mind. And I am their friend.
I know what will happen if I dwell on their negative attributes, I will take on their attitudes. “Because thoughts held in mind produce after their kind.”
So, what I do is pray for them while I see them as positive people.
It is sometimes hard to know the effects of prayer on people, but it guards my mind!
What is also true for me is that even ‘negative’ people have good characteristics.
I have seen people ‘in the gutter’ express compassion and humility. Now there I have something to learn!!
Also, ‘these negative people’, are our brothers and sisters in spirit, they are an aspect of ourselves. So before we distance ourselves too far, I like to question ‘what am I learning here.?’
And there are times when I am tired, that I take time out, and recharge myself.
Thank you Nick and Jessica for your wonderful work!!
I adore both of you!! <3
What if the work situation is filled with negative people? And finding a new job is not an option? I started tapping a couple of weeks ago to relieve stress from my job, and it has worked miracles in helping me to cope…but my co- workers have very negative vibes going on…how would I word a tapping sequence to up lift the energy at work?
Have been tapping everyday for 1 year and am still amazed at how powerful it is,
I am Scottish but live in Switzerland one of the most beautiful countries in the world, but boy oh Boy could we all do with a dose of Nick Ortner here, I hope and pray (and Tap) that one day he will sit on the Swiss Alps (at my friends amazing Buddhist retreat centre) and talk to the People, they all need a bit of life and laughter injected into them !!!! me included.I
thank you with all my heart for the good you are spreading in this world xxxx
PS we would put you up free of Charge now Nick how could you resist that ????.
Agree with you, thank you for confirming my beliefs.
Your advice validates why I have chosen to eliminate or spend less time with folks in my life who are negative and critical. How about unloading a compliment or some encouragement instead? Or has it become fashionable to be rude these days? Just asking . . . .
Your advice validates why I chosen to eliminate or spend less times with folks in my life that negative and critical. Has it become fashionable to be rude these days?
So true! I met a very negative thinking lady. Someone I thought I should not associate with. However , I saw myself in her and it really embarrassed me to think I was so much like her. So you see she is a really good teacher for me. All the people I’ve met in my life have been my personal teachers.
These are very useful thoughts. Thanks.
Well its true being a positive all the times it makes u feel a positive outlook of life
And also surround with a positive environments it brings u a better life and also make stress free
Being a clear mind and also think a better lifestyle it makes ur life successful remember our mind is powerful
Hey Nick, nice article. It’s a nice time to have read this because I’ve been going through a relationship with two family members that I find it very delicate because before I got into the spiritual path, I felt that they were having so much power over me making decision that now I can see that they (the decisions) should have been made by me. So my approach with them now has been very delicate and I am going with the false idea that they may change when I know that the only thing I have power over is to change myself but not others. I am tapping on the fear, powerlessness, hopelessness I have felt over the years when I am close to them or have any sort of communications with them. It’s sad to know that these relationships turned out to be this way but I hope some day I will be able to manage to be with them without getting wrapped up with what they may think of me with confusions, doubts, perhaps judgement.
Thanks a lot for your article and look forward to more insights from the Tapping Solution.
David
Great article, I always enjoy reading your blogs and emails.
Thanks so much Nick for sharing your knowledge so freely.
Light and love.
Julie
Thanks for your thoughts…
I attended thedans seminarier with Tony Robbins and most OF the same thoughts…
As you I was also upliftedby all the New positive friends, especially one. Omintetgörs fromma homeopat country in Sweden.we together attended a few more seminars and had great fun.
Suddenly I got sick and had to quit the last one, though I already paus for it.
My New good friend didn’t answered phone, mail or letters any longer just for the reason You mentioned,
Found her on facebook but still no response
I would love to attend one of Your or Your Sisters seminars but my health or personal economy is not. At that lever so it can be a reality yet.though I have admired You for years and followed Your books and activites.
Your thoughts about this are very interesting indeed!!
Keep up Your good work!!
thanks Nick
The way you put things are very easy to understand. I injoy all your emails, and have order 2 of Jessica’s books.
Cheers
Pam
You are doing great things for this world. Keep them up.
Jessica is such a gorgeous woman I am so glad she has succeeded in her desire to lose weight! xxx
This has to be one of the most difficult things to do because no matter how you try to remove yourself from noxious people or situations the people your removing yourself from take it personal.Though this journey Ive have learned that “Iam not responsible for others actions”.