Inspiration

Who you spend time with…

Written by: Nick Ortner

TR-Sharing-3Who you spend time with… is who you become.

I first heard this quote and concept over 15 years ago at a Tony Robbins weekend event.

I was there by myself, having seen an advertisement for it while walking the streets of New York where I lived, and knowing I needed to do something different with my life.

Amongst many insights that weekend, “Who you spend time with is who you become” was powerful for me, but I also found it difficult to implement.

You might have heard this quote, or similar concepts, including research showing that your income often has a direct correlation with your five closest friends.

So what’s going on here? And how do we manage choices and decisions about what to do when we have an awareness of this concept?

Here are some of the challenges and solutions as I see them:

1.  Maybe the people around you are not the best influence, but you love them, and you’re a good friend, so what do you do?

2.  What about family? Does this idea tell you to leave family members who aren’t a positive influence in the dust, because they’re not helping you?

3.  Where do you find new friends and positive influence anyway? Is there a special club or secret meeting place? 🙂

Ok, so let’s address the different questions:

Question #1: Maybe the people around you are not the best influence, but you love them, and you’re a good friend, so what do you do?

bad-friends2

I fully believe in this concept, but I think the key is to address and implement it with moderation and compassion. Too often we learn something like this and see it as a black or white issue. This person is negative, so I’m not talking to them anymore! That friend has really poor beliefs about money, so I’m out!

And the challenge with going all out on it is that often these same people, the ones closest to you, the ones you love, are exactly the ones who can help you grow the most!

For example, let’s say you have a friend who has really negative beliefs about money. You’re trying to change your experience with money, rewrite old limiting beliefs and stuck patterns, (like we’re doing in my 7-week financial program right now – we’re on week 2, but you can still join and catch up, listen later, etc. if you’re interested go here) but whenever you’re around this person, they’re negative, they doubt what you’re doing and it brings you down.

What to do? I think it’s a multi-step approach:

Step 1:  TAP on how that person makes you feel.

If they’re really pushing your buttons, it means there are buttons to be pushed! It means some part of you isn’t fully aligned or confident about your new beliefs or ideas. So them triggering you is a perfect opportunity to tap down that fear, stress and anxiety.

A simple way to tap, shortly after a negative experience, is to simply imagine it happening in your mind’s eye again. Hear what they see, feel what you felt, be there, tuned in to your body, and acknowledge what it’s triggering inside you. Keep tapping until you can run the “movie” without emotional attachment. You might even find that the movie changes as you tap along and gain confidence about your beliefs.

Step 2:  Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.

You’ll often find that after doing the tapping, when you encounter that person or a similar circumstance again, things change! We often have these preconceived notions of how people are going to act, what they’re going to say, and that can guide the conversation in seen and unseen ways. Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.

Step 3:  If you’re still being triggered, consider some space from them. 

If you’re doing the tapping, but these individuals are still triggering you too much, still bringing you down, then perhaps it is time to consider some space from them. But here’s the KEY: I want you to make that consideration from a place of clarity, of peace, of compassion…not from a place of fear, of “I have to run away from this person”. Making the choice from a place of peace and clarity will make all the difference in your outcome.

Question #2: What about family? Does this idea tell you to leave family members who aren’t a positive influence in the dust, because they’re not helping you?

Unsupportive family

I had an interesting tapping session the other day, as part of working on my next book focused on pain relief, with a lady who had some neck pain that just wouldn’t go away. She had actually used tapping to completely eliminate back pain she had had for years, but the neck pain wouldn’t seem to go.

After drilling down with some power questions: “If there was an emotion in your neck, what would it be? If someone was in your neck, who would it be?” She shared some of the challenges she’s having with her 89 year old father.

She’s his primary caretaker, and they live together, and she shared that whenever she tried to tell him about all the great, new and exciting things happening in her life, he was constantly doubting her, questioning what she was doing, and making her feel terrible.

So what to do here? Kick Dad out on the street because he’s not being positive enough? 🙂  Of course not. So we tapped! Focusing on the things he said to her, I had her imagine what he would say, and say it out loud, simply tapping through the points, using his tone of voice, using his exact language, and tuning in to how it made her feel.

Point by point, statement by statement, she released all the stress, anxiety, sadness and anger that his statements caused her. As often happens, after the first layer, we found some deeper pain, some real sadness about the relationship and how he was making her feel.

After 10-15 minutes of tapping, she shared how much lighter she felt and how she could now imagine him saying those things, without the same response from her. In fact, she started connecting with the love she felt for him, and you could see a real possibility of the relationship improving just from this small tapping session.

And… the reason we started tapping in the first place, her neck pain, was COMPLETELY gone. Down to a zero, no pain, no restricted motion!

So what does this mean for you?

It means these relationships, this pain, this anger, sadness, betrayal, fear, is a wonderful opportunity for healing. There are absolutely times when people and relationships are simply too toxic and we need to move away from them. There are absolutely times when we need to be aware of who we spend time with, to avoid burning ourselves out, to have boundaries, to make clear decisions about ourselves and our energy.

But what I’m suggesting is that you do the tapping FIRST, clear the hurt, the anger, the sadness, and then, from that place of forgiveness, compassion, clarity and more, from THERE, you make the best decision for yourself.

Question #3: Where do you find new friends and positive influence anyway? Is there a special club or secret meeting place? 🙂

Conference table

A. Weekend Getaways Change Lives!

Just like that weekend 15 years ago where I surrounded myself with positive people, made new friends and made new decisions about my life, I’ve found that weekend events, when you change your environment for a weekend, get a new perspective, learn new information and more, can be dramatically powerful.

I just spent this past weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and saw it all happen again, not only for the 3,000 people in the audience, but for myself! The Hay House “I Can Do It!” events aren’t just great for me when I’m on stage and connecting with YOU, they also nurture and feed my soul when I get to connect with other speakers and friends.

meeting

Having dinner at the recent Hay House “I Can Do It” event with friends Cheryl Richardson, John Holland, Kris Carr and Gabby Bernstein.

B. A Getaway On Your iPod:

Surrounded by grumpy people who don’t believe in you and your dreams? Besides doing everything else we’ve talked about, make some new friends on your iPod.

Yes, it’s not the same kind of friendship and relationship, but getting positive, uplifting information can be truly life-changing. I know it has been for me. Besides tapping, I credit my iPod as perhaps the most transformative tool for me, because of the hours, days, weeks, months and years spent listening to positive information.

And hey, I started listening to Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Louise Hay and others on my iPod YEARS before they became my actual, real, huggable physical friends. So who knows what can happen! 🙂

C. Give Books as Gifts:

It’s hard to “convince” your friends about your new ideas, and you’re certainly not going to CHANGE them, all by yourself. But you can NUDGE them in the right direction, and books can be a great way to do that.

If you’re looking to lose a few pounds this Spring, and want a friend to support you, pick up a copy of Jessica’s book (The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence) for them and read it together.  Start a small book club and find people who will support you in your journey.

I hope you found these thoughts and tips helpful.

Until next time…

Keep Tapping!

Nick Ortner


Share your experiences with “Who you spend time with is who you become” below, and let me know what you learned from these tips and any questions you may have!



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112 Comments on this post

  1. stevan allen says:

    thank you for this article, it came a just the right time as I am having difficulties with a new girlfriend…………

  2. Jill Papanek says:

    Thank you, Nick. I am grateful to you for sharing your gifts. I love the way you express these concepts in clear, concise, gentle ways. You’re non-judgmental and loving. I have done exactly what you discuss – tapping to release feelings of anger, fear & sadness so I could make better decisions from a peaceful place. Incredibly powerful and empowering!

  3. Anish says:

    Nick,
    Thanks for this article. I have also been having these questions about negativity in friends and family and have been thinking of changing them rather than leaving them. I totally agree that changing yourself should come before changing others. I hope I’ll be doing more of the tapping to make my change more rapid.

    Thanks

    Anish

  4. Ophelia says:

    Enjoyed it. Thank you very much!

  5. timothy says:

    Greatadvice!!

  6. Judith Hodges says:

    I like that we become the best of who WE are and automatically the people around us begin to either run screaming or enjoy the atmosphere. I heard Nick say have compassion and that means a lot to me… so many times a relationship may seem impossible, but you never know. Being with people always means growth and an opportunity – no matter what. Thanks Nick

  7. grace purpura says:

    Italians have a similar proverb that I grew up with:
    Tell me who you hang out with, and I’ll tell you who you are!

  8. Kathleen Coutts Umstead says:

    GREAT, practical, ‘rubber meets the road’ responses! I chuckled when I first read challenge/question #3. I will pass this info on. THANK YOU Nick!

  9. Giselle Gois says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Tapping is the best medicine I could ever have found. And Diana Miller your story it exactly the same as mine. With the only difference that we are bota 33 years old and are together for 16 years. I just felt that I can see the Light at the end of the tunel now! Thanks Nick

  10. Julie Bolwell says:

    Wonderful article so helpful.I can’t change the world and people I am in relationship with, but I can change my mind with the help of EFT.

  11. Ashley Gadson says:

    Hello i would like to say thank you a lot and this information, was most up lifting and inspiring to me. Very Helpful i must continue reading personal development books and listening to uplifting material.Daily Activity thanks.

  12. Emilie says:

    Thanks for this article Nick. I found it interesting and really helpful. Especially about the woman who had the pain in her neck. I have a chronic pain in my neck since my mid twenties which I am now going to be doing a lot of tapping for.

  13. Natalie says:

    Thank you for the great information very helpful, also enjoy doing tapping has helped me quite a lot. Natalie

  14. mary says:

    WoW,at 65 I am having a time trying to break out of my life-long patterns of lack and not being able to imagine my life different. All of the folks I’m around are 72 or more, retired and disabled in some way. They have lived their lives, so to speak and see little need to stretch and grow or change anything. Thanks for the ideas on what to tap on. I’ve moved out about 20 miles from where most of them live, but it seems that I have just put miles between us, but not the emotional separation that I feel I may need. I will keep taping.

  15. Debra Byers says:

    Insightful as ever. I think most people are in this position but like myself, are unsure what to do. Thanks for these useful steps.

  16. Peter says:

    This is a very interesting topic as I can relate to it “NOW”. Family and friends can often “mirror” something going on inside that need to be clear. When accepting 100% what we see or “experience” outside that trigger something inside is always difficult when this is coming from your close “relatives” or friends or co-worker. But…”Who we spent time with?”…we attracted it from an old mindset pattern that belongs to our past. (right?) Then I really agree that it takes some time “away” sometimes to reflect upon those inside “gremlins” and forgive to our self and forgive to other also and work in clearing this mindset (with tapping or meditation or any other good tool). Asking other people is to change is not something possible most of the time. I had to “sacrifice” the presence of my father for a long time in order to change my “new lifestyle” that was generating only bad comments from him and even critics and cynicism. Today, the distance taken has change who I am associate with and heal my relationship with my father…it took a long time. Doing so without hurting anyone is sometime hard to do and this is always “hard” to evaluate in terms of what “the mirror” is reflecting. Very good question Nick…Thanks

  17. Brian Hultay says:

    The teacher presents itself in many forms, but not until the student is ready. The universe presents us with exactly what we need in order to grow.

  18. Laura says:

    Nick, thank you for sharing such real – grounded- and personal wisdom for us all to learn and grow.

  19. Monique says:

    Hey Nick, Thanks for this post. Very helpful and encouraging. I do pretty much everything you mention, and then some, and agree with you, especially about listening to positive information! It’s like surrounding oneself with a shield of light to stay focused on things that give hope, encouragement, insight and inspiration. My favorite thing I read in this though is the amazingness of the fact that you are now friends with the very people whose writings and work influenced and inspired you! Anything’s possible! I love it! Continued blessings to you.

  20. Carolyn says:

    Aha! I’ve been ‘judged’ for my ‘out there’ approach to life all my life. This is a huge thing for me and needs tapping upon immediately! Not that i’ve necessarily chosen friends who dump on my efforts to change – at least not consciously. But my financial situation tends to put me into neighborhoods where those around me are also not experiencing financial freedom. And, my family thinks of me as the la-la girl who can’t get anywhere in this world for more than 20 minutes. So, although I know they love me, they worry about me and tend to see me as an ongoing train wreck. So, being a Pisces, and tending naturally to take on the emotions of those around me, I have adopted that as my self-view.

    This blog is the perfect addition to messages I’ve been getting from many sources lately that it’s time to change all that and move out of the old paradigm of self-sabotage and self-flaggelation and into a new self-view as being the magnificent and beautiful being that I AM. Thanks, Nick. I’m so grateful our paths have crossed.

  21. Stephanie Wood says:

    Thanks for the great article, Nick! I love the idea of using EFT to address things before making decisions about it. I also just wrote an article on a similar topic called Intentional Relationships (http://bit.ly/1eRBTy1), but should have included that aspect. I think I’ll put a link to your article to make it more complete! Thanks for this.

  22. leah says:

    Thanks Nick, this is really gentle, thoughtful advice, I appreciated reading it and will give it a go!

  23. Catherine says:

    Thank for this topic – as I look at myself, I discover that a huge part of my process is even choosing any kind of goal, is who will accept this, who will support me; will I get any negative fall out or rejection over this? When the answer is no – regardless of my desire I all to often drop the whole thing. At my work situation, there’s a woman who attacked me and humiliated for years trying to get me to quit. I didn’t. Now my boss has brought her back into our work environment. My anxiety about it has been through the roof; anger about feeling like I’d have to leave in order to not be attacked in this way leads to a multitude of feelings and reactions.

    I’ll take any suggestions I can get Catherine

  24. Maria says:

    Like always with the blogs,tapping, emails etc… this article is very helpful give some ideas to implement and overall I love it. I will share some of the ideas with friends and family members. Thank you once more for everything you do for us. I really appreciate it.

  25. Barbie says:

    Thank you Nick!!! That really helped because I was just wondering how do I avoid family gossip and negative vibes as I am trying grow and feel love for everyone! we are all one. Oneness. we all come from the same source. if i want to truly experience this can i tap about it? do you? or is tapping more of a way to reprogram the thought process (the brain) or connect to the infinite self (the soul)or both? I have found tapping to be connected to my infinite self as it helps me realize what magnificent beings we are and can easily shift to another awareness of our essence. Love.

  26. Susy says:

    Very interesting article…I’m presently living in a place that has negative energy all around! Not in the USA but in the north of Peru
    I had already decided I had to leave, and have been moving In that direction, ever since it settled in me, without pain! Leaving ‘pain’ due to having to admit i made a made a mistake,was fundamental…pain helped me realise some thing was radically and irreversibly wrong. Now moving away entails selling two wonderful properties I must have patience and faith that the new owners are on their way. ‘Decision’ for them too might take time…learning to let go and ‘how to wait’ in action is important…and it’s curious but ideas do come constantly to keep the ball rolling in the right direction! Daily meditation and a healthy routine are indispensable. Linking up if with even one good new friend also a must! There are always possibilities one must open up to them…and moving out of that comfort zone, as you call it, which I fortunately find uncomfortable! A must! I’ve also become a member of an ecological association which has helped me work with others to try to solve the spiders web of problems this gorgeous place of true ‘endless summer’ has…which has turned the energy around for me too. ..as well as now becoming fascinating for all of us!

  27. Linda Rogers says:

    The comments about tapping thru the painful situation then making a decision about leaving the relationship with clarity and compassion was so true!

  28. Carmen says:

    Thank you Nick! These three questions touching me deeply and they are painful for myself because I really live through this issues. But your suggestions, explanations and tips are so helpful to clarify my feelings and find the best direction to go.

  29. Charlotte says:

    Some people have been pushing my buttons and I reacted emotionally with defense and withdrawal. One of my issues. So I started imagining a friends face instead of mine to check if she would accept the level of these encounters. Absolutely not. That made me very conscious of how I have lived my life through other people instead of through myself and from my source energy. Thank you to these souls.

  30. Joanne Gillet says:

    Looking forward to reading more.

  31. Sandra says:

    I loved your post Nick. My spouse is a person that does not support my quest for personal development. I have considered several times to walk away when angry or frustrated but I see now that I should be tapping on these frustrations and get to a place of peace and calm before making any decision one way or another.

    Thanks for the work you do.

  32. Afia Siddiqi says:

    Dear Nick,
    You are such a wise soul! I log in to The Tapping Solution & other such sights to keep myself centred and connected and am grateful to each and every listener for enriching my life. I see all of you as my soulmates.
    At this moment in time I am trying to move away from people who constantly are in need and drain me of all energy-physical, mental, spiritual and material. I seek inspiration from people like via the internet.
    God bless,
    Afia

  33. Marie says:

    Hi Nick, I really enjoyed your article. I have your book and
    I’m really looking forward to buying Jessica’s book
    Too. I pray that you will come over to Ireland,
    There are lots of people here who use tapping.
    I think if Hay House organised a gathering they
    Would be surprised by the response.
    Please Nick and Jessica come to Europe and
    Especially Ireland. 🙂 x

  34. Mary Smith says:

    Thank you Nick. Forgiveness comment is the greatest. I find my family are very critical but that they mean well.i am a widow of eighteen years , two weeks before our fortieth anniversary. Then five years later lost my 38 year old successful son who was going through a stressful situation. I retired 13 years ago at the age of 65.. I have come to a point in my live where fortunately I am healthy, have five grandchildren ages 12 to 16. I have kept busy, took up bridge and golf. I travel to see family one on the west coast of Canada and one in the NL. I find your article about you have to except your situations and not run away from them , even though sometimes you would just like to become a hermit .

    What I am seeking now is more contentment and I need to refresh the tapping technique, also get your sister’s book. My only health problem is high cholesterol and need to lose weight. I believe I am just poring this out to you as I don’t want friends and family to know I have concers. They see me as a happy functioning individual . What have I to be concerned about?

    Thanks again.

  35. Deirdre says:

    This Middle Way is so helpful, and deeply spiritual. I love and care deeply for family members who are not the most positive and healthy, and I feel so supported in pursuing this way of looking at things that you’ve written about. It’s very good guidance for figuring out how to “detach with love.” Thanks so very much!

  36. julie says:

    I thought your article was great. I find myself surrounded by truly great people but sometimes their negative attitudes get me down and I feel like running away, but I can’t do that, so I breath deep and try to remember I also have bad days and I do not walk in their shoes. Then I try to be a positive influence in their life for the time being and grateful for their friendship. Somedays are quite a challenge, however.

  37. Iija, counsellor, England says:

    Thanks Nick for sharing your experiences on ” who you spend time with is who you become” What a true statement. And for giving us such useful tips as to how to implement this. I particularly like you pointing out that making choices and deciscions is best done from a place of compassion and forgiveness.

  38. Annmarie says:

    Thanks for this post Nick. I really enjoyed it. It gives a gentler perspective on dealing with relationships in your life. And like you said, it’s really good to see where those buttons are still being pushed!

  39. n says:

    I find your message really interesting because it is so true that sometimes one KNOWs that such or such person in their surroundings is not helping you by their comportment but one does not want to destroy an “old friendship” especially if the friend in question is more in need of you than you are of them. Or a close family member you do not want or cannot get rid off is triggering all your wrong buttons….
    The only thing I find difficult to put your “tips” into practice is that tapping alone, without guidance can be very a complicated process as sometimes finding the effective questions to ask and repeat in a different way seems like climbing a mountain when one is on their own.
    Thank you very much Nick

  40. Janet Eades says:

    Interesting and something to ponder.

  41. Christina says:

    Hi Nick. Great advice. I think you might have saved a few marriages here. I will definitely be tapping on the emotions that come up as a result of some family interactions. And as has been said by many a wiser person, you can’t change others, you can only change yourself and your responses to them. Thanks.

  42. Joy says:

    Hi Nick, Yes I agree compassion is needed in difficult relationships. My daughter has Aspergers Autism and relies on me heavily for support, which I do out of love for her and her three children. However, sometimes it all gets too much and I need my space to recover. As she is 42 I have a lot of experience of being in the trenches, figuring out the best way to handle a lot of difficult situations. I came across tapping over ten years ago, but now have a better understanding as I have your book to fall back on. And yes, solid boundaries are essential to keep a loving perspective on what is going on in the family. My youngest daughter aged 32 carries a lot of anger towards her sister for a difficult time growing up in the family home, and just today we reached an agreement on how our relationship can move forward. Having come through a divorce after being married for 40 years, I have needed to find my way, so tapping, affirmations, reiki and prayer have been my guide. Thank you for your wonderful book, it is a real solution to life’s challenges

  43. Michael Leitch says:

    What is this obsession with paper and metal and bank balances. My life is beautiful, I don’t have a good bank balance but I don’t owe anyone,there is always food on my table,there is always a warm bed to sleep in,and I am surrounded by a loving family and friends. What more do I need.
    PS thank Jessica for he magic book.

  44. Nancy E. says:

    Very helpful and timely information. Always seems to work out that way! I have a good friend that is fearful about most everything and now has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been struggling with how to be supportive but not drawn into her fear which I know wouldn’t be helpful for either one of us.

    I appreciate the reminder about how to use Tapping to diffuse what triggers me after we spend some time together. And also that in sharing her struggles she is helping me to heal my own.

  45. Mina says:

    This blog is very timely for me. My problem however is knowing who truly is good for me. I tend to overlook red flags in the name of acceptance and giving others a chance. How do I know, when allowing people into my life, if this is a person I should truly trust and spend time with…

  46. Pauline Crespin says:

    THANK YOU NICK FOR THIS INFORMATION. IT WAS SO HELPFUL AND RELIEVING. I’VE HAVE THE TENDENCY TO WALK AWAY FROM PEOPLE AND SITUATION THAT BRING ME DOWN. I’M GOING TO TRY WHAT YOU SUGGESTED. IT FEELS GOOD…………

    THANKS AGAIN AND MUCH LOVE

    PAULINE

  47. Nanda says:

    Nick God bless you for alk the good work you are doing…..changing lives and giving hope!!!

  48. Chris Pietkiewicz says:

    Your questions and comments really resonated with me. I plan to share your blog with my family so they,too, can make helpful changes and receive insights as they journey on their path. Thanks so much.

  49. Miranda says:

    I had to laugh to myself when your article popped up in my inbox this morning because I have been talking to my friends about EXACTLY this same thing for the past few days! Obviously, they are the friends that add a positive element to my life 😉 This message was perfectly timed for me, Nick. Thank you for continuing to share what you learn. I so appreciate seeing new ways to use tapping to clear out the old and make room for the new as well as to uncover what is already within me, just waiting to shine forth!

  50. Diana Miller says:

    Boy, talk about perfect timing!! My husband is basically a negative person. He is a kind and loving man, but he is drawn to negative things such as the news and world events and he gets very upset when I don’t participate in these things with him. He feels I should know what’s going on in the world (to some extent I agree) so we can discuss the news. Last night was a big blowup. He was watching a news story and getting so riled up. I said, “If it upsets you so much, why don’t you just turn it off?” That started it!! Now I don’t validate his feelings, don’t allow him to have his own opinions, he can’t share things with me, etc., etc.

    I have watched him over the years and have seen what that negativity has done to his body. He lives in guilt (over what I’m not sure), and anger at an old boss from years ago, insecurities, plus he’s an alcoholic. He is 100 lbs. overweight, his joints are so stiff he can hardly move, he just looks very unhealthy. And he is only 67. He is a walking heart attack just waiting to happen.

    I have been trying to show him there is a better way, but I guess I didn’t do it right. After 12 years nothing has changed much. I am new to tapping, but what I have experienced so far has been wonderful. After he blew up last night and stomped out of the house I began tapping. I am very calm about everything and know it will blow over. All evening long I just kept thinking how am I going to keep myself where I am and still encourage his negative ways? I refuse to go backward in my evolvement. I have been working on my development for over 30 years and I can’t give up on it to go back to where I was.

    I awoke at 5am this morning and opened my email. First on the list was your email about who you spend time with!!! Talk about timing!! I so appreciate your advice and am anxious to begin tapping with this in mind. I have tried to share tapping with him and he just thinks all my ideas in this vein are silly woo-woo stuff.

    Wish me luck??!

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